Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Losing yourself to find yourself.

Hey so I wanted to talk to you a little bit about a concern I have.

We are a companionship of 3 and I have these super sweet companions that get along really well and I feel like I am not really fitting in....:)  I have a reoccurring issue in my life and that is that I always feel like I can't be myself. I do not know how? I really do not have a solid idea of who Adley Fowers is? 

She changes for people, and she says and does things for people, to please, but not for herself. I am not saying that to make you think I am selfless, because honestly it is a bad thing sometimes. If someone asks me a question I answer based on what they want to hear. Even if it is just a matter of opinion and no one will get offended. So I feel like all my life I am just going to be changing for every person I ever meet, and they will move on and I will be an empty shell once again. I do not want to be that, mom!

How do I find myself? What does that even entail? I know that to find yourself you have to lose yourself but that is so vague! I feel like I find something I want to change, start doing it, and then find something else I need to change and it is a circle. I do not get anywhere. 

I feel like I have no personality here, and I don't know why I can not just open up and let people inside me. I am so careful about what I want people to think of me and yet in the end they think less of me. When I am under that pressure I stutter and I can't think straight, and I can't look people in the eyes when I talk.  I don't know mom. 

I just want to be true to myself, but how can I be true to someone I don't know??? I have been thinking about it a lot.

 I came up with this: 
1. There is only one person that never changed- Christ. If there is one person I should change for it should be him.
2. I need to figure out who I am- and by that I mean lose myself- what ever that may entail.
3. Be honest. Be true in all I say and do.
4. I need my Savior more than ever.

Tell me what you think. I am doing fine. I am relying on the last part of my conclusions heavily right now. I just feel alone. I am okay, but I feel alone. I want to figure out who I am and then be okay with others not accepting that.

This week was incredible. The weather is so beautiful and in the front of every apartment there are these beautiful flower gardens that these nannies take care of. There is this statue here that reminds me a lot of the Hungarians. It is a picture of them with rakes, picks, and shovels and they are all dressed the same, but you can just see their resilience in the way they are stanced and they are all staring defiantly around them. It is a neat statue. The Hungarians are so tired and they have been dragged around for so long, but they are so true to themselves. I love it. 

We are meeting tomorrow with a family that we found on the street. They set up with us right there. We were definitely led right to them.

K. mama is going to the hospital tomorrow to get her heart checked out. She wanted us to come, but we couldn't I hope she is okay!

I have been cooking up a storm....:) And do you know what mom? I am so grateful you taught me to clean up my messes after I cooked. It is ingrained in my very being. I love you. 

ALL OF YOUR LIVES SOUND SO EXCITING. I am laughing, and crying, and dying when I read them all! 

Thomas congrats!!!! I am so impressed by your letter. You are changing, and I love you! You are going to be such a strength to the people in Colorado. So happy for you. 

Boys- you are all so funny. I need to keep hearing from you. Jaaron. I know you hate it. But I need you to write. I thoroughly enjoy your bitter sarcasm and rude remarks about my weight. Nate, you are so stinking cute!!! GAH. Peter, you are the man. the chicken. man. 

Brookie- I love you baby. I can't believe you are getting baptized this year. love you.

Dad- Sounds like something I would do in a race...what a coincidence. 

ALRIGHT LOVE EVERYBODY! Keep writing. I seriously read every single persons and loved them I just can comment on everyone's! Love, love, love SF

(Response from Mom)
Adley, print this off and work on one at a time until you feel like you have spent enough time on  one.  Ponder on each question and write down your answers and impressions.

Day 1:  Evaluate your own Personal Rules
Every person has their own set of rules they believe in and hold true and valuable.   When a person breaks one of their own rules they feel less worthy, and less confident in even the smallest matters. It shakes their self-esteem and makes them uncomfortable with who they are.
Write down and evaluate 10 of your own personal rules. Are they reasonable? Are they fair?   
These might be some examples of unreasonable rules:
*If someone doesn’t like me or get along really well with me it is because I am awkward.
*If someone gets frustrated with me they hate me.
*If I don’t say and do everything perfect I won’t be loved.
How would I re-write these rules to be acceptable?
Re-write your own rules if needed.
How does evaluating and re-writing my own set of rules help me become more confident, worthy and improve my self- esteem?

Day 2:  Loving Myself
Being true to oneself, means you love yourself unconditionally.  Who you are is truly always good enough.  When you love yourself unconditionally, it is because you understand you who you are and who you are meant to become.  If you know and love yourself you will find it effortless to be true to yourself.
Write down 20 things that you LOVE about yourself!    
When you cross paths with someone how can sharing something you LOVE about that person help you love yourself?  Try it.

Day 3:  Have Courage to be Introspective
Be who you are! Have the courage to accept yourself as you really are, not as someone else thinks you should be.  What if I don’t know who am I?   It will require you to be introspective, sincere, open-minded and fair.
 (Whitney T. suggested this:)  Make two lists.  On the first list write down what you know about yourself.  Be specific.  On the second list write down what you want to know about yourself.  This will help you identify what specific things you want to find out about yourself.  As you learn new things you can move things around.
If this list is a life-long process, how does that benefit me?

Day 4:  I am Different!
When you are true to yourself, you allow your individuality and uniqueness to shine through. You respect the opinions of others but do not conform to their expectations of you.  They will sense you are strong and capable of standing up for yourself and your beliefs.  It does not mean that you are inconsiderate or disrespectful of others. It means that you will not let others define you or make decisions for you that you should make for yourself. 
Allow yourself 5 experiences to give your true thoughts even if they disagree with another person.  You can be as diplomatic and kind as you want as long as you share your true feelings.
How can being a peacemaker go along with this thought?
Christ was always true to himself, how did he fit in?

Day 5:  Am I really my own self?
Read the story and then ponder on the questions.  (This is from the Christian Monitor)
It occurred to me that the Bible might have guidance on the subject, and I found these words of Christ Jesus: "I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me" (John 5:30).
I was struck by this – the man who walked on water and raised the dead points to his heavenly Father, God, as the source of his power. Jesus saw his "selfhood" not as the origin of his creativity and authority, but as the means through which he did the will of his Father.
A few years ago I was asked to write the music for several songs in another of Shakespeare's plays. I began this task with ease, but I think I started to think of myself as pretty hot stuff, and the composition became more and more difficult. I felt my well of creativity was dry. Finally I realized I'd been ignoring God as my source.
Turning back to prayer, I found an outpouring of musical ideas. More important, it brought me a deepened experience, acknowledging God as the creative Mind.
This has been a major lesson for me, learning that being true to my highest selfhood means seeing God as the ever-present source of good.
How am I tied to God in finding myself?
Am I really my own self?
Ask yourself, “How can God use me with the talents he has blessed me with?”

Day 6:  Find examples in the Scriptures of people who found their unique qualities and talents by serving the Lord.
Read Mormon 1 and Mormon 2:1-2 and underline all of Mormon’s specific character traits that helped him serve the Lord?
Would everyone think these were “cool” talents?
Would some people wish for other ones?
Are there any talents you do not have that you would like to have?

Day 7 :  “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” (Matthew 16:25)
Earnestly ask the Lord who you are what He wants you to become :)
Adley I love you!  I was going to share with you some talents that I know you have but I think I will wait a little and let you do some self- discovery first :)
I read this scripture the other day and thought of all our little missionaries who will become acquainted with God by experiencing hard things...
Acts 2:17

17  And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams;
18  And on my servants and on my handmaidens I will pour out in those days of my Spirit...

You WILL find yourself, because you have already lost yourself.


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